This is my reason to smile...

Fall Fun

2011-10-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

this has to be my favorite time of year.

with all the change of colors, warm clothes and fun family activities.

there has just always been something special I can see and feel during this time.

yesterday was the perfect example; a perfect, beautiful day.

& we spent it playing at our local pumpkin patch.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-19T18:06:00.000-07:00

pumpkin.FARM

2011-10-04T16:06:00.000-07:00

This weekend was another fun one!

While the fiance's sister-in-law and niece were in town from Texas,

the whole family decided to make their way out to the pumpkin patch.

The kids rode pony's. Fed the animals. Blew up pumpkins.

Got their faces painted. Ran through the pumpkin patch.

& overall, had a great time!!

My Grand-Parents

2011-10-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

The foundation of love and devotion that my family was built on,
came from these two people; my Gramma and Grandpa.

Neither of them came from stability.
Neither of them had both parents in the home growing up.
Neither had it all. Neither came from much.
Neither can say much about the family they came from.
... but somehow they were able to give us everything, and more.

I can ask my Gramma anything, and she will selflessly give me an answer that took her years to learn. I can still cuddle with her on the couch, and giggle about nothing. She taught me alot about life; from driving to what to look for in a man. She is my second mom, an amazing friend and a huge part of who I am.
My Grandpa is the most loved and adored man in my life, and being his only grand-daughter, I feel just as special in his eyes. Nothing can stop the smile that spreads across our faces when we see each other; he is without a doubt, the greatest man I'll ever know. Funny, sweet, and a true gentleman... he left my future husband with some big expections to fill.

I honestly don't feel any more loved, then when I am in their presence.
I don't get any more support, then I do from their shoulders.
I am so blessed to know them, love them and have them to learn from.

Dearest Daughter.

2011-09-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

Three years ago today, at 7:47am, you came into my world. You weighed 7lbs 7oz, and were a little over 19 inches long. As a newborn you were calm and content; happy to just eat and sleep. At a year old, it was already clear that your personality and temperament were much like mine; stubborn. You loved Elmo, your stuffed animals, and your mommy. You had a laugh that could make anyone smile, and a cry that would break hearts. At two years old, you knew over 100 words and weren't afraid to use them! You were sassy, and fearless; determined to do everything we told you not to, and more. Your brother was your best friend, and your mommy was still your biggest comfort. Today, you are three years old, and still sassy as ever. You love all kinds of animals, your baby dolls and playing in my make-up. Your curiosity and love for life are beautiful to watch. With such a sweet and loving personality, their hasn't been anyone you've met yet that you can't say HI to. You have a beauty that is stunning, and a strength inside of you that I'm so proud of.

I love you 'blue-eyes', so much more than you will ever know, and am so proud to be your mother..♥

{flag}Football

2011-09-17T14:34:00.000-07:00

Sure it is just his first season of football.

Yes, I know it is just 'pull the flag'.

Okay, so the other mom's think their kids are the best.

.. but really, my kid is the cutest thing out there.

It's so fun to see all of them run around with no particular direction.

Gone are his days of a self centered toddler, and now he is my big boy,

very much into being apart of the TEAM.

They WON their frist game, and we were all there to cheer him on!

photoshoot{s}

2011-09-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

today, we had fun, my girl and me..
she looked gorgeous, and I can't hardly believe
she is soon going to be THREE!

photoshoot{s}

2011-09-12T16:23:00.000-07:00

today, I'd like to give my best friend a place on my blog.

over this past weekend, she asked me take her RE-DO engagement pictures.

{the first set were awful, and she was so NOT happy}

of course I said yes, and like always, we had a ton of fun together.

but more important, the pictures turned out great.

.. and the love they have comes through so clearly.

I am so happy for her and couldn't have picked a better man.

birth.DAYS

2011-08-20T16:32:00.000-07:00

In the late summer of {1946}, Gramma was born.

In the mid summer of {1966}, Mom was born.

In the mid summer of {1986}, yours truly was born.

& in the early summer of {2006}, Buggie was born.

Making this summer a BIG one for all of us.

Grandma, 65. Mom, 45. Me, 25. Buggie, 5.

To celebrate, we decided what better way than in VEGAS?!

{MINUS buggie, of course}

So in a few days, we are taking off for a night of fun!!

Today though, was Grandmas actual birthday.

Her wish? That we all spend the day together; GIRLS DAY!!

Manicure's and Pedicure's all around.

{again, MINUS buggie, of course}

& the fun was followed with some YUMMY lunch.

Happy Birthday Grandma, WE LOVE YOU!!

strength

2011-08-10T17:09:00.000-07:00

According to one of my many journal entries, it has been two years to the day, since I knew that the marriage to my first husband, and father of my two children, was officially over. It seems on this day, the months of going back and forth, and night's of crying myself to sleep had all brought me to this one particular journal entry. - wow, if only the me of today, could give the me of back then a reassuring hug; I was so scared & alone. As I read it now, the one question I see asked was simple, yet still so painful. How?

How is this not a mistake?
How do I live without him?

How do I move on from here?

How do we tell the children?

How do I tell him?

How do I break apart my family?

Undoubtedley, I have done alot to keep my children in a healthy situation. Starting by leaving an unhealthy relationship, and fighting to maintain a friendship. Was it always easy? NO! My ex-husband has tested me to hell and back again with some of his choices. But without those tests, I would have never found my true inner strength. I would have never found out what I can do for myself, or what I can do when I really put my mind to something; mainly, forgivness and how to let go.

& back to some of my original fears
for one, I'll never be without him; he is the father of my children.

second, I moved on long before I realized; I just never gave myself the credit.
third, the kids were one and three; doing it at that age was for the best.

fourth, he already knew, and was just as scared.

fifth, divorce will only break apart a family if you allow it to; stay friends{ly}, no matter what.

The only difference between the me of then, and the me of today is what I can say I've learned since then; strength. How? Well to start, since that day, the once scared and alone person has learned I never was alone, he was there and so were my kids. I also know now that my marriage & divorce were not a mistake, nor was it the result of being married at nineteen, and having two kids before we were twenty-two years old. I can not accuse him of doing anymore harm to the relationship than I did, or claim that I was the victim of a dis-functional relationship. I can not say that we were were forced into adulthood before we were ready, and just fell out of love as we grew up.
No, I will not say a single one of those things. Why? Because the truth is, I loved him with all of my heart when we were nineteen, and like most teenagers, could not wait to see what our future held. The truth is, our children were the best things that ever happened to us, and age had no part in that fact. The truth is I was equally as guilty when it came to the fights and sadness. The truth is, we were not forced into any stage of life, we both walked willingly into that place. The truth is I still love that man, and no amount of anger can change that.

Once, I never thought I could get through it, but I did.
Once, I thought I would always be mad at him, but I'm not.
Once, I never thought I could forgive, but I have.

Today, I am happy and with a man that I love for all of the right reasons. I'm not with him because I have to be, I am with him because I want to be. I can see him standing beside at every point in my life, supporting me the whole way through. He never questions me, I have his trust. He never talks down to me, I have his honor. I have everything I've always wanted.

..everything, that I learned I needed through that one failure and lesson.

In the end, the experience of my failed marriage taught me how to be human.

.. and that giving up does not mean you didn't try.
I promise... life goes on.

A new day

2011-07-23T17:24:00.000-07:00

"..Forgiveness is as such; the Lord pardons like a mother who kisses away the repentant tears of her child.."

Never once do we see what is coming for us; the waves that are life consume us and knock us to our knees when we aren't paying attention. The hardest part is just learning how to accept it, and move on from the things, and people, we are unable to control.

I know that without question, forgivness is somthing we do for ourselves, and not for others. Personally, it would be impossible to contine walking through this life with any form of hate or anger in my heart. That kind of pain consumes the soul, and distracts you from what really matters in life; holding on to what others have done to you, does no good for you or them. I will not allow myself to have any pain inside of my heart, even when there are people around me that don't understand why, or how it's done.

Plus, the best revenge is to live well... so why not?

I forgive. I forgive. I forgive.
Now let move on, and let it be...

Kindergarten

2011-07-18T15:05:00.000-07:00

We all have that 'first day of school' picture.

You know the one.
The one where we are standing at the door in our perfect little outfit,
wearing our cute little backpack
and holding our new little superman or princess lunch-pale.

Yes, we all have that picture tucked away somewhere;
treasured by our mothers, fathers and grandparents alike.

So in many ways, as I stood with my boy out in front of our house.
& fixed his new little outfit.
Zipped up his little back-pack
and handed him his new superhero lunch-pale;
I couldn't help but shed a single tear.

Not that I was sad, but that this was just one of 'those' moments.
...one that I will never forget.
Good luck today Buggie, I love you.

Our camping tales

2011-07-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

I have not gone camping in a couple years, and have never once taken my kids.
So fiance' and I decided last minute,
before my boy starts KINDERGARTEN,
to go ahead and give it a try.

& wow, am I so glad we did.
Between the camp fires, fishing, and sleeping under the stars,
I don't know what I enjoyed more.

The kids got to play in the dirt all they wanted.
we collected pinecones. we went hiking. we went stick hunting.
we roasted marshmellows. we cuddled together in a single tent.
yes, ICEHOUSE lake was gorgeous.
& I can't wait to go back every year.

Kindergarten?! Already?

2011-06-29T16:08:00.000-07:00

At some point, between today and five years ago, my baby boy got big enough to go to KINDERGARTEN? I don't know how it snuck up on me so quick though? I've been there everyday, and never missed a single moment. I've been present and aware of the days days as they passed. I've done every first, and held his hand through everything...

I knew today was coming. I knew it was going to be here soon enough.
but somehow... today he graduated from pre-school.

He of course was excited

Me? an emotional mess on the inside.. I've always known it goes by way to fast.
& today just confirmed that.

"...when 'J' grows up, he wants to be a Fire Fighter.."

Like I said, I don't know when or how it happened so FAST!

But nonetheless, I am so proud of you baby!!

& I love you.

this girl

2011-06-07T13:45:00.000-07:00

she is so COOL. she is so FUNNY.

she is so CREATIVE. she is so SMART.

she is so MINE. she is so LOVED.

It's cold out today...

2011-05-28T11:28:00.000-07:00

So what did we do?
... played a totally awesome game, of course!
A giant pile of pillows + a bunk bed = FUN!!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-25T13:03:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, baby.

2011-05-17T09:58:00.000-07:00

Buggie-Boo, you were born on May 17th, 2006 at 11:11am.
You weighed 9lbs, 3oz and were 21.5 inches long.
As a newborn you were perfect,
calm and content with the world around you.
Happy to just eat and sleep.

At a year old, you were in love with Elmo and Cars.
Your 'wants' were presented in the form of sounds,
and you slept in my bed almost every night.

Your second year was when you got
your best friend, and little sister.
I remember crying the last time I saw you before she was born,
because I didn't want our 'alone' time to end.

Three years old is when you started Pre-school.
On your first day I left the teacher every number I had,
along with my e-mail and home address;
all 'just in case' you needed me to pick you up early.
Turns out, you could of cared less,
and were actually sad to leave when I came to pick you up.

Your fourth year started out to be a hard year for our family.
There were many of nights that you wiped my tears away,
and told me it would all be okay.
I saw you change from my baby,
to little man almost over night.

Today, you are five years old.
You love sports, playing army man,
seeing animals and racing your fast cars all over the house;
you are such a typical boy.
Yet, you are also the most sweetest, kind and loving person I know.
You are polite and funny, stubborn and curious, adorable and smart.
Everyday that passes, is another that I am proud to be your mother.
You are my greatest accomplishment son, I love you!!

his BIG day

2011-05-15T08:35:00.000-07:00

Now that Buggie is getting older, I wanted to let the BIG BOY choose for himself what he wanted to do for his day. We talked about it, we went back and forth, but we finally agreed..

"..A big OL' birthday bash? No.
Dinner and Chucky Cheese? Ehh, maybe.
A trip to Six Flag? YES!!.."

He's only gone once before, and it was strapped into his stroller as an infant. So this was a big deal for him, and all week that's all he's talked about.

Of course, we went on the one day this week that called for cold and rain!

But he still had a great time!Thanks to my mom and dad for tagging along!! (:

New HOUSE

2011-05-03T18:20:00.000-07:00

Wheew...
Boxes are everywhere... but they are OURS.
The yards are over-grown... but they are OURS.
Garage is stuffed... but it's OURS.
Room's are a mess... but they are OURS.
Our kitchen table is a rug on the floor... but it's OURS!!!

That's right, after the ring went went on, we officially moved in together.
It's not much more than a little house, but it's OURS and I love it!!
*CHEERS*

What it takes

2011-04-27T15:56:00.000-07:00

What it must take to walk into a broken family, without fear.
What it must take to love a woman with two children, without caution.
What it must take to love those children, without hesitation.
What it must take to want to be there, always, without question.

Whatever it is, he is more than willing to give all he has to them.
& while there is so much iLOVE about this man..
it's the way he loves my children that stands above all else.

... another thing iLOVE about him?
the way he cuddles and plays with them, every single night before bed.

Easter; 2011

2011-04-24T20:48:00.000-07:00

Church. Brunch. Egg Hunt.
Yep, that about sums up our families Easter Sunday!

Big Brothers

2011-04-19T14:30:00.000-07:00

... they can be mean to you, pick on you, push you, bug you, steal your toys, get you in trouble, tackle you in the hallway for no good reason, put bugs in your hair, yell at you, and get your new FAVORITE dress all dirty.
YES! Big Brothers can be SO ANNOYING...

However, big brothers can also be the best friend you will ever have. They play all the BEST games, teach you all the new stuff, give you the best advice, help you up when you fall down, hold your hand when you're unsure, scare the monsters away, come running when you cry, and make you laugh.
Yes! Big Brothers can be SO FUN...

So, yeah...

2011-04-06T13:51:00.000-07:00

GUESS WHAT?!?!

& please enjoy our video proposal story..<3 ---> copy/paste link {{ http://youtu.be/I5bSvcxv-5Y }}

Wild weather

2011-03-21T12:33:00.000-07:00

When you grown up in NORTHERN CALiFORNIA, both year round sunny days and having to wear a hoodie cause it's a 'cool' 70 degrees outside, are what we call normal around here! However, what is NOT normal is an otherwise sunny afternoon being suddenly interrupted by the LOUDEST thunderstorm and hailstorm I've ever seen!! Wild weather? YES!

But SUPER-FUN for the kids... and mommy!! (:

a day at the park (:

2011-03-17T19:02:00.000-07:00

dance, dance BABy

2011-03-14T11:22:00.000-07:00

"..everybody was KUUUNG-fU fighting.."

"..duh, nuh, nuh, nuh... fast as lighting.."

a lesson in BASEBALL

2011-03-10T09:41:00.000-08:00

EVERY BOy NEEDS TO KNOW THE BASICS..
&& WHAT BETTER TEACHER THAN THE MAN WHO KNOWs IT ALL!! (:
BOOGIE & BOyFRIEND; MAKING MOMMA'S HEART SMILE...

BUBBLES

2011-03-02T16:50:00.000-08:00

There is nothing more relaxing for me as a mom,
then that 'end of the day' bubble bath for my babies.
It's the start of our wind down time,
and always at the end of our day.
They love it so much,
and I know that one day I'll miss this sweet time we spend together.
The GIGGLES...
The WHINES...
& everything inbetween!!

Working hard? Or hardly workin?

2011-03-01T12:46:00.000-08:00

It was a BEAUTIFUL day outside today!
& the kids spent their afternoon helping
to clean up our poor backyard.
It's been ignored all winter....

making memories

2011-02-10T15:27:00.000-08:00

This was a very important month for me & boyfriend; it was the one that marked our first year anniversary of being together. To celebrate the occasion, we decided to take a little road trip down to LA. Here are some of my favorite moments...

love em'

2011-01-18T16:42:00.000-08:00

New Years Eve; 2010

2010-12-31T10:33:00.000-08:00

Lord knows that I love my children.

I love them in the greatest way that a mother could ever love her child. I am in constant awe of them and all that they accomplish every day. They are gorgeous and healthy, and undeniably greater than anything I should deserve. I try not to take a single thing they do for granted, and I live each and everyday to ensure that they are happy and loved. I willing take on the pain of the world for them; intentionally shielding them from all that may be to hard to bare.
Something I wish that I could do forever...

However, as this new year quickly approaches, I am reminded again of how time won't stop for anyone. As happy as I am to watch them grow and learn, and as blessed as I feel to witness them quickly develope into who they are, I still cannot help but be painfully sad for myself. I don't know why, but it seems as though I was just cradling my newborn son in my arms, or trying to teach my baby daughter how to walk. Each of which, are just one of many moments that I know I was present for, cherishing and holding onto as they were happening; but was I really there? Was I mentally savoring every single second? Was I doing everything in my power to be there with them; experiencing it with them?
I don't know.

Today, it feels as though maybe I didn't do enough, over this past year, to hold on to those precious moments. I'm sure that any mother will tell you that, as it is, those kind of moments only become fewer and far between as they grow up. Which may be part of why I may feel that, in some instances, I let the day to day problems of my own life, over shadow what is most important, them. After all, this year for me was horribly painful at times. But for them? Was it really? Or were they just struggling as much as I was to adjust to our new life? While I know I have been there for every step, tear and laugh along the way, there is still that ever present, and painfully nagging notion of quilt that I have. The feeling that perhaps I may have missed out on some thing... anything, due to my own life's issues; and that hurts to think about or even admit to.

Did I ever yell at them, due to the frustrations in an adult world?
Did I ever tell them to go play alone, just so I might have some silence?
Did I ever shut the lights off, without a goodnight kiss?
Did I ever make them feel ignored? Sad or forgotten in the shuffle?

Like any parent out there, the answer to anyone of those questions, is yes.

While I know that I am a good mother, I still fill as though I could be better at it somehow. Honestly, I know that I can often be pulled in so many directions at once; making it hard to even think straight, let alone raise children. As most of you know I have my kids all of the time, every day, through every single one of the many life issued curve balls, and glady so!! I would never ask to change the time we have together. But maybe, just maybe, it'd be OK to ask for a little bit help sometimes, and without feeling guilty. I know that without a doubt, I could continue on and raise two incredible human beings alone, and without any kind of help. After all, I believe that my kids deserve so much more than what I can give them alone.

Which is why, this year, I know what I am going do as my resolution. Rather than be selfish about it, I am going to make about it about the three of us as a whole. I am going to fight to be better for not only myself, but for them as well.

I promise to be present for everything; big or small.
I will ask for help and will not be so stubborn.
I will smile more, and play more.
I will wrestle and read more.
I will color and build more.
I will do everything within my power, to just give them more.

... I promise babies, to always be there.

When it's too cold outside...

2010-12-30T11:41:00.000-08:00

we have to entertain ourselves inside.

So, I guess it's a good thing...

that we have...

each other to play with!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-12-29T14:07:00.000-08:00

It's a bird, it's a plane....

2010-12-28T13:07:00.000-08:00

... no it's just boogie!

Oh, phaa-leasee!!

2010-12-26T13:39:00.000-08:00

---> just add the sound, "uHMPHH"! <---

...grumpy butt or not, she is still just as cute!

Is it faith, or fate?

2010-12-22T20:43:00.000-08:00

"..Every long lost dream,
led me to where you are.
others who broke my heart,
they were like Northern stars;
pointing me on my way
into your loving arms.
this much I know is true
that God blessed
the broken road,
that led me straight to you!
i think about the years i spent just passin through,

id like to have the time i lost

and give it back to you.

But you just smile and take my hand,

you've been there you understand....

I'm thankful for...

2010-11-25T10:46:00.000-08:00

Boogie Boo Boo:: From the very first moment I laid eyes on you, I knew with an overwhelming certainty, that you and I were just meant to be on this earth together. From your smile and laugh, to your unwavering curiosity and sweet understanding... everything about you is something I am proud of. In the last year, you've become the man of my heart, and you couldn't be more proud to fill that role. You've been there to wipe my tears and offer up your tiny shoulder, usually without even realizing it. You entertain me, make me laugh and show me what true patience is. Not a day has gone by in the four and a half years that I've had you, that I haven't loved you a little more than the day before. People say that your adorable and sweet, but I know that you are so much more, I couldn't be any more thankful for that gift.

Princess Pinky:: Dearest Daughter of mine, words cannot even begin to fully express what you mean to me. From the second you were placed in my arms, I instantly knew that we would always be best friends and saw that having a daughter was the greatest gift the Lord could give a Mother. There has always been something powerful about your beautifully gentle and caring soul, that's made my desire to give you every piece of my heart, unparalleled. Much like me, you have a genuine love of life and others that I couldn't be anymore proud of. I could hold you and love you all day and still want more, because I know how special you are. I cannot imagine my world without you at the center of it, you give me the strength and determination I had been searching for; and for that, I will always be thankful.

Boyfriend:: There is this 'feeling' that I get when you walk into a room; I'm not sure what it is exactly, but it's undeniably there and just as powerful, if not more, than the sensation I get of not being able to breathe when you leave it. Is it just Love? Or could it really be Soulmates? You always say that I'm one to not believe things until I see them. Which is true. Yet, there is something about this 'feeling' that has pushed that fact of, "seeing is believing", to the side for me. For some reason, when it comes to you, I don't need to hear the words or witness the usual actions to know that you love me; it's just there and in my heart. I walked this earth feeling alone for so long, even while being surrounded by people, because not one of them seemed to know or understand me. So when I first saw you, suddenly that perpetual feeling of being lost was no longer present; I had found my way. The broken road that was my life, with all it's twists and turns and up and downs, had actually all been worth it. It seems God did have a plan for me all along, and you were it.

Outside of them, I am mostly thankful for my families health and happiness. I have amazing parents that would give anything to see me succeed, a brother that has been by my side since we were babies, devoted Grandparents that adore me and my children, and tons of extended family that is there for me when ever I need them. To me, my family really is everything that matters in life and I know, without question, that I am so lucky to have been given one like them.

Timeline

2010-11-21T16:05:00.000-08:00

I have decided to give myself a timeline. I have a set list of goals that I want to achieve, and I don't see any other way to push myself into accomplishment without some sort of incentive. But how do I do that for myself. I mean it's not like I can punish myself really if I don't do something; and in knowing me, I'd just sneak behind my back and do it anyway's.

No, there has to be some sort of push, but what?

Goal number one, MOVE!
Goal number two, SCHOOL!
Goal number three, NO SOCIAL NETWORKING!
Goal number four, BE IN THE MOMENT!
Goal number five, BE HAPPY!

Now the first goal is simple, right? Wrong! I have lived in this awful, black-hole of a town since I was a child and oddly enough, I have always dreamed of leaving it. Don't get me wrong, it's "home", but sometimes "home" can carry the weight of a lot of painful memories. Since my divorce, I have had to cut off nearly every single person in my life. Being married to a man you've known your whole life, and then having to discover him wrapped up in the arms of one of your many back stabbing, lying and needy "EX-bestfriends", will do that to you I suppose. Plus, it seems that almost everything about me stems from living around all of the same people, and while I consider myself a great person, I give no one but me credit for that!! So how do I just pick up and move? I'd love to just shove my Mother in a suit case if she let me, and pack my Grand parents away next to my security blanket of a father. However, reality won't allow that and at 24 years old, perhaps it's time to find a way to do it alone. Eeek, SCARY!

The second goal is actually the easiest of them all to figure out. I've been enrolled for what seems like forever, and I just need to keep my head from exploding long enough so that I can finish what I started. I've admittedly switched my major so many times that even I am not fully sure what it is anymore, but just so long as I am in the medical field helping someone with my often annoying motherly ways, I will be happy!

Third, is actually funny. I have been on either MySpace or FaceBook since I was 16 years old. Almost everyday I would have to check in with my hundreds of "friends" to see what they were doing. No, I didn't truly know half of them and nearly all of them I'd regrettably walk right past on a busy street. Even the ones that I felt honestly close with in real life, where becoming apart of the, "oh, I will just say Hi to them on FB later rather than call them", list. Somehow it was like a drug; half the time not even realizing I was playing with my FB application on my phone or checking my comments when I should be doing homework. I needed for my own sanity to disconnect from the social networking world, at least for a little while, and get back in touch with the voice on the phone or the touch of a hug in person.

The forth is more in connection to my children. I swear to you, when did my son turn four? And since when was my baby getting ready to start Preschool? I know that I am there everyday, and go only two days a month without seeing them. I make them breakfast, read them stories, walk to the park holding hands, catch invisible monsters and kiss away the tears. I do it all; but sometime I feel as though I am not fully there. I am smiling at them and still worried about school work. I am playing games and reading books, all while waiting for nap time so that I can go worry about how I am going to pay the bills. I don't know, this one just seems more like a conscience effort than anything. Punishment, simple guilt.

Last is simple; it is the glue to keeping the previous ones from falling apart. I don't see anything in my life going the way that I need it to without some how keeping my head clear and focused. I have the faith in myself now, and I know that after everything I have been through I really am lucky. So just so long as I can keep that in mind, I know I can "be happy"!

Back to the time line of things. One month, three? Another year? What? Better yet, given this so far imaginary time line, what will my push and drive be? I want to do this for myself, but I do not want it to take forever. I guess it's time to sit and really think about everything.

Where am I going, and how long will I let it take?

jVM

2010-07-23T12:18:00.000-07:00

How do you know that he's the right man for you?
What makes him better for you than another?
How does he make you a better person?
And how do you know when you've found him?

Being able to have the answer to all of those questions is comforting, but having the man who is the answer to all of those questions, is incredible. For me, the answers are simple. When ever we are together, there is as overwhelming feeling of perfection. When ever we are apart, time cannot seem to move fast enough to put us back together again. I feel lucky when he kisses me and I at ease when he holds me. Everyday he tells me that I'm beautiful and every chance he gets, he reminds me that he loves me.

Thanks to him, over the last six months I've come to know more about myself than I could have ever learned alone. He sees the incurable stubbornness that flows through my veins, and balances it out perfectly with his patience. He has a beautiful old soul; one that's understanding and forgiving. His determination to make me smile is hard to resist. I knew what I wanted the moment we met, and I knew what he was to me the first time we touched.

He appriciates that for me, my children are my entire world and proud that every choice I make is dependent on how it effects them. He glows like I do when they gives him kisses and hugs. And is able to look at my children as though they were his; all the while still respecting the man whose they are. He doesn't want to take anyones place, because he knows that he doesnt have to. More than anything all he wants is for them to know that he loves them, he loves their mother and is always going to be there, no matter what.

I know I'm blessed to have ever met him, and greatful everyday for being able to call such a wonderful person, mine. At this point I don't know that I could ever live without him, and I don't even know how I ever did.

Living the life...

2010-07-01T11:29:00.000-07:00

Screaming. Crying. Laughing. Yelling. Complaining.

Talking. Whining. Giggling. Stomping.

Falling. Throwing. Wishing. Begging. Arguing.

... and repeat.

Everyday, my life as a mom involves all of the above. I go to bed way to late, I wake up way to early and I get woken up no less that 15 times in between. I have long hair down to my waist that I love, but 98% of the time is up in a hidious bunn. I enjoy shopping for myself, yet somehow I leave every store with nothing for myself and everyting for them. I want to finish school sometime before I'm 80 years old, but cannot get over the guilt of not being there. Most of my friends have kids, and thats only because we can talk about dirty diapers and tantrumes as though its the lastest gossip. I make breakfest, lunch and dinner, but still never eat. The most social interaction I get comes from the ones that visit me. I'm exhausted. I'm burnt out...

... but most of all I'm happy!

Another year without you.

2010-06-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

Jeff Ryan; today would have been your twenty third birthday. What crazy shenanigans would have transpired between you and your boys, leaves me to just sit and giggle. I can see an illegal bonfire, a few bottles of JD and plenty of cops just off the top of my head. But who's to say huh? Its a lot of trouble and a set of candles you would never get to experience. Because its been a little over four years now since we lost you that day in January. And now you remain forever eighteen. Spending the rest of eternity looking out for and watching over all of us.

I know so much has changed over the years. We are all growing up and moving forward with our lives. And though its been accused of us several times, no one has forgotten you. We still carry you with us and talk about you often. Though its sad your gone, I know that its because of your absence, that people have come together to create love out of loss. You are always going to be missed. And with each new person to enter our lives, your life and the lessons you taught us will pass on to them.

We love you Jeff, always.

Change of plans

2010-04-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

In the past few months my life has taken several unexpected twists and turns. I've had to face heart breaking lows and have been graced with unimaginable highs. Yet, it was making it through to the other side of both that proved to me that in the end, I will be alright; no matter what. I will be the first to admit that I never once thought that my life would turn out the way it has, nor the way I see it going in the future. But even through all of that I still believe that everything happens for a reason; that this was the way my life was meant to play out.

Originally my hope was to stay home to raise my babies. Not missing a single moment in their lives has been a goal of mine since before they were ever even born. Each step, every new word, all the tears; never did I want to miss anything. I've always felt like I was taking away from them by not being there; infact I still do.

However, today things are different; being a single mother has lead me to realize that I cannot raise my children the way I had 'originally' wished. Giving every second of my life to them is no longer an option. Finishing school, getting a job and finding time to make sure I am happy are all things that will take away from them. But it's those sacrifices that I am making today that I pray will benifit us in the future.

I know that life will never be easy; but I am greatful that I am starting to find a way through it. Even with the unplanned; God has still blessed me with happiness and love. So I'll be damned if I'm anything less than greatful for that. Its going to be a struggle to get to the end of my road; but I know that as long as I stay positive and try, I will be OK.

little girl

2010-04-26T16:29:00.000-07:00

Trouble. That is the nickname this little girl has justifiably earned herself over the last twenty months. She's got a fire to her personality that lay just underneath that undeniable sweetness. Everyone in her life is fully aware of the difficult task in telling those big beautiful blue eyes 'NO'; and even more so of how much harder it can be not to smile at the sight of those wheels in her head turn in an effort to get you to change your mind from that 'NO'. One hundred percent in love with her blankie; you will never see them apart. She takes it every where on the adventure that is life; learning and exploring every detail of her world. An exploration that has always included her biggest fan of all; her big brother. Since day one she's never been too far out of his sight; or protection. She has him wrapped around her finger; an effect she has on nearly everyone, myself included. With her even blend of easy-going, curiosity and love; this little girl is no doubt one of the greatest gifts in my life. Thanks to her; each day I am reminded of how much love I have in my life and of how much love I have to give.

Unanswered Prayers

2010-04-06T10:55:00.000-07:00

Thinking back over the years I cannot even begin to count how many times that I have wished, hoped and prayed for something to turn out a certain way; only to have it go another way in the end. In the moment things either seem horrible and I want more than anything for them to go right; or things seem perfect and going toward the best solution; only to have them unexpectedly go all wrong. I know for certain that I've cried tears over things that didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, I have felt pain for things that never would be, and that I have held saddness for things that I saw as all wrong.

Initially finding out I was pregnant with my son was a far cry from joy and happiness. Infact for me all I could do was cry out in sadness. I was just nineteen years old at the time and life as I knew it was just starting out. So when I got the positive all I could do was mourn for the life that I knew; it was suddenly time to grow up. All I saw was that I would never know what it would be like to just be to be a typical college kid or to just travel when ever I felt like it. Two things that I had been looking forward to since I was a child. The day we found out Lady Bug was a girl, besides being thankful that she was healthy, I was some how angry. I had wanted another little boy; a brother for my son. Their father has an incredible bond to his little brother, they are best friends to this day and I wanted that for my little buggie.

Both of those moments are great examples of me both wanting something; only to have it turn out differently in the end and feeling betrayed by life not giving me what I wanted; leaving me to feel sad and helpless. However today, both the emotions and feelings behind those moments have been almost completly erased. Thinking I was wasn't ready to be a mother is now a thought that is replaced every single day with his, and now their, smile and 'momma, I love you's'. I cannot imagine my purpose in life without them; theu have made me a better person. Feeling as though I could never raise a daughter could be no farther from the truth anymore. I see just who I am meant to be through her eyes; I see just who I want to be through her eyes. Each and every day, several times a day, she gives me a reason to be here.

For me I can see that there are things in life that are just meant to be; even if we do not understand why at the time. I see now that if I would have gotten my way every single time; I would not have the two most important things in my life. Even though there are things in my past and present that I can still look at and wish that I had the strength or courage to fix them; I still know that the outcome was or is meant to be. Every step along the way is meant to show you the way to the next. And on days like today, when I just wish that I could find a way out; I remember to just let life be what it is. Because if anything I have learned, twice now, that the greatest gifts are often the ones you never ask for.

Easter Sunday

2010-04-05T18:37:00.000-07:00

I do not consider myself overly religious. In fact even with a stong religous extended family it has always been hard for me to truly accept in and believe in any type of religion. However, with everything that is going on in my life, both good and bad, I thought I'd give Him more of a chance this year. Let the Holiday be less about an egg hunt, fluffy white bunnies or finding the perfect bright sun dress and more about listening to the story and being thankful for the story; even if it's hard to understand. The idea that you can be forgiven for all of your sins just through asking; is comforting in many ways, reguardless if it's true or not. And while sitting in church this Sunday I realized that if the Good Word is indeed true; then I sure have done my fair share of sinning in this life. And that asking for forgivness from the man above every once in a while couldn't hurt in helping to overcome those sins.

my children

2010-04-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

My children bring out the best in me;

their simple curiosity, impossible resist,

their giggle and smile, hard to ignore.

My children see people without judgement;

and the world without pain.

They have no understanding;

no struggle exists, no hurt or sadness, no worry or fear.

My children need only love;

their greatest comfort is found in my snuggle.

their greastest happiness is found through my affection.

My children leave me breathless;

every question asked, every question answered.

They live because of me,

I live because of them.

I could never ask for any thing more;

than my children.

Change

2010-03-30T14:22:00.000-07:00

Most everyone you ask will tell you that change in life is a good thing. That there is nothing better than moving forward and moving on from that place where you stand. And that whether it be for better or for worse; change is inevitably good.

Yet, I cannot help but fear change. Especially the changes that are going on in my life today. Being placed in a role that was never meant for me is hard and being expected to fail at that roll by everyone else; even harded. I never saw my life play out the way it has. I wanted so much more for myself and so much better for my children. A feeling inside made even more complicated by the fact that I have no idea how I got myself here.

So now a part of me wants to just stand in place as the rest of my life rushes past; not wanting to deal with anything. While another part of me wants to just take off full speed in the opposite direction of where I should be going; not wanting to face anything. Both heading in that same direction of fearing whats to come.

Its this constant feeling that I should 'follow my heart', that is continuously shot down in furry by the realistic knowledge of my mind; the two can never seem to meet in the middle. Constantly leaving me in the dark; fearing the change and scared of not knowing which way my life might go.

Making it there.

2010-03-27T10:45:00.001-07:00

Patience; the capacity for calmly enduring pain.
Strength; the ability to withstand.

I have been told by many different people, many different times, that life is what you make of it. You can choose to see the glass half empty or you can choose to see the glass half full. Either way all you can do is live each and every day as they come. Just have the patience to live through those days.

When you set out to accomplish something, you never go into it with the intentions of failing, falling flat on your face or giving up at the first sign of weakness. You go forward with the idea that the dreams you have are going to succeed. With the hope that you will make it to the end because you want to make it to the end. And that even with the hardships along the way, you will still find your way. Just have the patience to make it there.

However, when those hopes and dreams come crumbling down all around you, falling straight through the determination you had to make them come true; you will still need to have the faith that you are going to make it. The strain of trying to keep your head above the waters of sadness will only last as long as you allow the struggle. So the sooner you find the strength to move on; the sooner you can look for that new dream and that new path to get there. Just have the strength to see those new dreams.

Challenges and heartbreak go together with the happiness and joys of life. That is just the way it works. Which is why I believe that there is a reason for everything; even if we don't understand why at the time. We are shown great things in life and great things are taken away from us. But no matter how life goes; it still goes on. Just stay patient and never give up!

lifes choices

2010-02-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

For me, finding something to say at the right moment and for the right reasons, can often be a difficult task to accomplish. The words get mixed up in between the connected spaces of my brain and leave my mouth sounding almost backwards. This awkward inability of mine has caused much turmoil and pain, not only in my relationships with others but inside myself as well. I have often been told that I am 'closed off and unemotional' in person. Something I tend to agree with most of the time.

Even if it is a quality I do not like about myself, I still don't know how to change it. What can I do if I don't feel safe letting people inside of my head. How can I change that I feel completely unaffected and detached from the words people say. Neither is something I am proud of, but still I believe I have enough justifiable reasons for both. Therefore, making it ever harder to want to change.

I can say though, that these perceptions people have of me are only partly right. Because on the other side of those walls, there is nothing 'closed off or unemotional' about me. And those that have made it past the barriers know that without a doubt I am unapologetically goofy.

We all have our good qualities as well as our bad ones, that shouldn't be new to anyone. Even as frustrating as it is inside my own head, I have come to accept at least that much, we all have issues. And it remains my one true pain in life, that the one person that should know these things about me, doesn't. A fault that I will not place with them alone. I know that my thoughts are guarded, verbally locked away and hidden behind a wall of painful reminders. But still, I feel as though this person should fight to get through to me, just as I had to at the start for them. I often find myself feeling alone, misunderstood and questioned to no end. My conscious mind is constantly walking a top egg shells to protect the feelings of another. Something I should be fine with doing, something I should want. But its hard when the one I've already tried so hard for at the start, is now only wanting to try with me because they think they've lost me. It's making me question why they didn't try in the first place.

I don't know, perhaps one day I can get beyond this feeling of self pitty. And maybe I won't. Certainly I understand that I still have much to 'figure out' about my life. It is far from perfect or where I think it should be. And though, I can see my future laid out in front of me like a stone path set in place long before I even found it, it still feels like no matter which way I turn, which direction I want to go, I am still inevitably going to end up in the same place. Its like going in circles, or walking and running in place, or telling your thoughts to a brick wall. Each one just as pointless as the last.

I am not going anywhere. There needs to be a change.

These crossroads will never become any more clear, just as the choices I face afterwards will only become more difficult. All I can do is hope that I can make the right decisions, and accept and acknowledge the bad ones. As much as I wish I could, I cannot see what lay ahead for me. If anything, I can only see what I 'want' to see. Which is the promise to myself that things will get better soon enough.

Love; has no understanding.

2010-01-11T11:42:00.000-08:00

Understand{ing}; to perceive and comprehend the nature and significance of; to grasp.
Love; a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

I have always seen myself best described by the first of these two words. Perhaps not always in the most basic form but as far as ‘life’ in general goes, I have never doubted myself. I have known, with certainty, that life is unfair, hard work and often times overwhelming. That there will always be things and people you cannot control or help. And that the best way to handle a problem, is before it starts. So in those ways, ‘life’ for me has never been complicated. I understand.

Now the second of those words, is the one that has really thrown me for a loop in my life. I understand the basics I suppose. That it is often said to various people for various reasons because the way you ‘love’ differs from person to person. I know that it’s true meaning cannot be described in words, better rather only in feelings. And, though one of the greatest experiences you can have, it can also be the hardest.

Which is why for me, the two words will never be seen next to each other in a sentence. Because in fact, I cannot say that I understand anything about love, or how it works. Or why it is, that this one seemingly simple emotion causes such confusion. The physical pain and heartache associated with it, are just as strong as it's warmth and beauty. In many cases, it does not seem fair to have the two sides forever linked to one another. The good with the bad, why can't it just stay simple.

Twentyten; a new start.

2010-01-08T15:51:00.000-08:00

So, another decade has passed. And though technically this would be the second I've fully lived through, it's only the first one I've really felt apart of. Over these last ten years, I have gone through almost every significant life change you could imagine;

Starting off as a young girl, to growing into a young woman.

Blessed with creating new life, to feeling betrayed by death.

Falling to my knees in heartache, to being lifted up in marriage.

Thinking only about myself, to living completely for another.

Feeling safe, to seeing the evils of the world.

When it started, I was a freshman in high school. As the self-appointed queen of the universe I had already established, with strong certainty, that my parents were profoundly wrong about everything! I knew all the questions and had all the answers. My life revolved around what I knew would make me happy, usually forgetting about every one else in the process.

Becoming a wife at nineteen and a mother at twenty, created both blessings and pain for me throughout the next part of life. I had been one hundered percent sure about everything untill this point. The point when I realized I might have placed myself into a world I was far too young for. And it wasn't until I gave birth to my beautiful son that I realized, just maybe, my parents were right. I didn't know anything. Yet, somehow even through the hard parts, I was still able to feel blessed and happy to have been given the chance to put others before myself. I see now, that would become the greatest life lesson for me to learn thus far.

Now at the end of this decade, and moving on to start a new one, I see that a large part of me is still that bright eyed kid with all the answers. The only difference now is that I can see that every once in a while, I might be wrong. I know I can accept failure and embrace success without question. I understand that I am still learning to navigate my way through a life not meant for any person my age. However, now I feel almost certain that I am doing a good job.

All in all, these past ten years I have learned a lot. Starting off at one place, taking off full steam ahead and then landing in a spot I never dreamed, has lead me to one very simple thought. Life was never meant to be simple. Infact, you WILL have to work hard at everything and most of the time failing at it your first time around. But it's the getting back up and trying again that makes you a better person. Time heals, just as pain fails. So keeping your head up and looking forward is the only way to live.

Here is to the next ten years! *cheers*

Thankfulness

2009-12-01T20:01:00.000-08:00

This time of the year often gets me thinking about all that I have in my life. The good, the bad and all that lay between. Perhaps it has something to do with knowing another year has come to a close and the always welcome "fresh start" is just around the corner. For me, it's usually a time to put all those unfulfilled resolutions behind me and take that chance to lift my head up and hope for the future.

However, as I am today, I feel more accomplished in myself than I ever have before. This past year has been amazing. I started school once again, yet this time with a goal and purpose. I can see a path start to form out in front of me, this time with more opportunity and success. I enjoy feeling as though all of the choices I have made to date, were right. Having a dream means something to me now and I refuse to let it go. I now put everything I have into fulfilling every goal I set for myself. If not only for myself, but to give my children everything they deserve.

I want them to be proud of me.
I want my family to be proud of me.
... I want to be proud of me.

So if anything, all I hope for in this next year is that it continue to be has uplifting and wonderful as the last. Though I did not complete all I set out for this year, I am still happy with where I am at. And that is all I could ever ask for.

Twenty things

2009-11-19T11:02:00.000-08:00

... that changed when baby came along.

1. I learned it is possible to love someone the very moment you lay eyes on them.
2. My conversations took a drastic turn from shopping and parties, to bragging about my child's sleeping patterns, the new tooth that just popped through, or saying how every little thing they do is the cutest thing ever.
3. Speaking about poop in public became socially acceptable.
4. That 15 minute shower feels like a day at the spa.
5. I find myself wanting to buy an elmo stuffed animal instead of a new outfit for me.
6. My plate is no longer just my plate of food.
7. I have learned to eat one handed and really fast.
8. Naptime is now get housework done time.
9. I giggle and laugh more than I knew humanly possible. And usually in response to something as simple as a silly facial expression or a new noise.
10. I find my heart often walking around
11. My job has no pay check. And I am OK with that.
12. I have become a morning person and can't remember the last time the I woke up to see the clock already past 8am.
13. Someone elses needs are always significantly greater than my own.
14. I am now an expert at doing any task one handed with a baby on my hip.
15. I don't care if someone plays with my hair anymore. And by playing, I actually mean yanking.
16. It doesn't bother me when other parents children throw fits in public. I feel for them and want to shout..."its okay, you aren't bothering anyone!"
17. I have a new respect and understanding for my own parents.
18. It's suddenly adorable when someone has food all over their face.
19. Coming home from vacation is even more fun that going on vacation.
20. You can find me in bed by 9pm many, many nights.

Family Photo Time

2009-11-18T12:20:00.000-08:00

Just a few of my favorites.

Kissy Bug!

2009-11-08T15:09:00.001-08:00

Love, Mom

2009-10-30T09:07:00.000-07:00

I am feeling very in love with my babies this morning.

So I wrote them a little something, Enjoy...

No matter how hard my life gets,

How confusing or turned around.

I know I'll always have a place,

once my feet find the ground.

It's their innocence that helps me,

through each and every day.

And those smiles that they give me,

are the best in every way.

I feel like I should thank them,

for being everything they are.

But for now just being there to hold them,

is the best thing by far.

whos ready for parenthood?

2009-10-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

Recently, I read somewhere that young parents have the worst chances of raising successful children. That they do not have the means or life experiences to lead their kids in the right direction. And that discipline and motivation are left lacking due to their own, still selfish agendas.

I would have to agree. Sort of.
Although for me, I think it has a lot more to do with the person.
And not their "age".
Let me explain.

Starting off as a teen mom, I knew the odds that were stacked against me. I knew I would be looked down upon. I knew that others would judge me before they even knew my story. But like so many others, I was ready for the questions and the hard answers. I was ready for that challenge in my life.

I took it head on.

Now, I will be honest. The day I had my son, I had no clue what I was doing or where to even start. I didn't quite understand all that went into the actual life long job I had unknowingly signed up for. And I was completely unprepared emotionally. The only thing I did know, understand and except was that I was unequivocally in love with this little man from the very moment I saw his face. And that I was going to do what it took to do everything I could for him, I would give him a good life.

And I still believe Love was a good place to start.

Yet, since that day I have learned many other things to go along with that. Starting with, there is far more responsibility in raising children than just feeding and clothing them. The list is endless and the job is never over. You need to, as a parent, try to lead them in the right direction as people. Find that fine line between over bearing and a softy. To be the bad guy is better than good guy, always be the parent before a friend. Showing them to love and be kind. When to talk, when to be respectful. To use nice words and to try and forgive the bad ones. To always say "please" and "thank you". To understand that everyone is different, never judge until you know for yourself the character they hold. To treat others how you would wish to be treated. To be truthful and honest, always.

Which ever road you take to raise your child, I believe it is the desire of every parent to instill these very basic concepts in there children. And those that don't understand that or are to selfish to understand that, I agree, are the ones not ready for parenthood. But to say that young people are the ones who, most likely, will have a hard time, seems a little close minded.

I think it should be more based on who is ready for the challege. Because you can be young or old, rich or poor and just as easily find yourself sitting in that "not ready, likely unsuccessful" category. It's all about the person and their individual willingness to care and love a child.

Age should play no factor.

Especially since, as a "young parent", I know I am doing a good job. I love my life and would never change it. I may not have been ready for parenthood, or even have my life all planned out. But I think my two amazing and smart kids are on their way to being great people. Which shows me, and hopefully others, of my very point. Young mom or not, it's the job I was put here to succed in. And I know I will.

these moments...

2009-10-19T15:13:00.000-07:00

are the moments when I wish I could just freeze time. To stop them from growing. To keep them small. She follows him. He follows her. Everything is an adventure, everything is new. Separate they are special. Together they are precious. Always my babies. Always a pair. Eventually this will end, as time will not freeze. But for now, today, I will cherish these moments. These moment that make me smile.

Lady bug.

2009-10-15T13:45:00.000-07:00

There are just some things in life that

are so cute, so adorable, so perfect

that they just have to be shared with those around you.

Keeping it to yourself wouldn't be right.

So I guess in the spirit

of not being greedy, here you go;

lady bugs big cheesy dinner face :)

A vacation? Perhaps.

2009-10-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

Today we are off onto our first family adventure. A trip to the beautiful Lake Tahoe.
I have heard about traveling with babies.
I have heard about traveling with potty training toddlers.
I have heard about the fun of attempting to keep them entertained and happy.
All none of which I was looking foward to experiencing myself.

I plan to bring movies and snacks. Keeping them awake untill we leave {no easy task}. And over stuffing our SUV with a 150 extra things we just might need. So wish me luck as I scramble to get the four of us packed and loaded before daddy comes home from work. And hopefully the kids do not continue to make a disaster of my packing. I swear, I put one thing in and three things get thrown out, with glee might I add.

I do not get where the joy and excitment went when planning to leave on a "vacation". The only emotion I have running through me at this moment is stress. Packing and travel do NOT mesh well with babies. This I am learning the hard way. You should see the items I have lined in front of my door right now:

Highchair. Crib. Toys, Toys, Toys. Snacks. Games. Large & small stroller. Laptop and Movies. Four suit cases. Food. Bottles. TowelsPillows. Blankets. Air bedA box of diapers. Two camera bags...

...and more, I am still adding. I guess the idea of being away from home, without anyone of these needed things is a fear. So hence the soon to be, seriously over packed truck.
Where are the old days of a single bag stuffed with his and hers. Just ready to go where the wind takes you? Oh I know, down my hall screaming at each other to share a toy!

The joys of motherhood.

thinking back.

2009-10-05T14:04:00.000-07:00

So there have been a few recent events that have lead me to somewhat of a rounded, partially open ended conclusion, if that makes sence?

It is that the things in life we are the least prepared for, the things that we can often view as mistakes, are actually blessings that just help you down a different path. Who is to say that our life needs to go in one direction and have once certain ending? I know for me, my path has looped around and flipped backwards more times than I can even start to count. However, I am happy with the place I am standing and enjoy my life as it is today. I wouldn't change a person or thing in my life.

Yet, had you asked me 5-10 years ago where I "thought" I wanted my life to be, I would have never even come close to where I am at today. Not in a bad way at all either. It's just what I saw and what I was prepared for, was never meant to be in the first place. Falling in love, having babies, finishing school late, along with about thirty other things that have gotten me to this particular place, never once crossed my mind.

Yet again. Here I stand, happy with who and where I am. Never a bad choice. Never a mistake. Just twists and turns that gave me an eventful past, beautiful present and a hopeful future.

Life as usual...

2009-10-04T18:24:00.000-07:00

This is a long over due post I know. Trust me. But just as life does, it got quite busy and crazy around here over these last few weeks. So much so that I have not hardly had any time to breathe. Yet, finally here I am with some time to sit down and catch up my thoughts.

First of all, congrats to my beautiful best friend. She gave birth to her third baby this past Monday. She did great and the little one is perfect. I was honored to be there with her to hold her hand and support her through it, just as she was there for me. I don't think she will ever know what she means to me. So by being there, I hope that shines a bit of a light onto that special place she holds inside my heart.

Next of course, as mentioned in the previous post, our little drama bug turned one. It is still hard for me to think that she has grown so much in just a short amount of time. Everyday she does something new to melt my heart or make me smile. How I ever lived without that little creature, is a mystery to me. She is the little piece of our family that we all wanted so bad. The first girl in several years on both sides of the tree. There is no doubt that she is one loved little girl. And I must say now that I am still amazed at how she can get daddy, papa and my grampy to turn into complete mush every time she gives them a giggle. Good work little mama!

That same weekend of baby's birthday, I also was able to be a part of my cousins wedding. She is just a year younger than I am, so I feel like I was able to understand all of her fears and anxious thoughts leading up to her big moment. All unnecessary worries of course. It all went so well, she looked gorgeous and the Mexican food was delicious! She and her now husband have been together for six years. He is an amazing guy and I am so happy that he is now my forever cousin.

Besides life events, school has been going well. Although, I will say that Math and Geography {yes Grandma, it IS Geography} are a lot harder than I thought. I am passing all of my classes, thankfully. Which is most important I know, but I am so hard on myself when I see a B or a C instead of that A I thought I studied so hard for. Having to raise a family, while in school is far more stressful than it sounds. Studying is done in the company of a crying baby and talkative toddler. All while thinking about whats for dinner and when will I ever sleep? I know it will all pass and get easier in time. But for now, I will continue to wonder how I am doing it.

Oh yes. And I updated my Blog while gone as well. Can you spot the changes?

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!

2009-09-20T20:38:00.000-07:00

September 2008, the day we brought her home.

She was calm, content and a great sleeper.

Very easy to soothe.

October 2008, One month old.

This was around the time we noticed those bright eyes.

Lucky, Lucky girl she is.

November 2008, two months old.

I wrote down that her first belly laugh came this month.

And that smiles were very easy to come by.

December 2008, Three months old.

She slept through the night and loved to take baths.

She started to follow us around the room with her eyes.

January 2009, four months old.

She rolled over. Played with toys. And started teething.

February 2009, five months old.

Had her first jar of baby food.

Figured out how to blow rasberries.

March 2009, six months old.

Could sit alone. Broke her first tooth.

April 2009, seventh months old.

Started the crying when ever I left the room.

Was not happy usless she could see me.

May 2009, eight months old.

Discovered she could roll from one end of the house to other.

June 2009, nine months old.

First words, "..dada..".

Brother could entertain her for an hour at a time.

She fell in love with him around then.

July 2009, ten months old.

Started to crawl.

August 2009, eleven months old.

Could pull up to stand. Points at what she wants.

Has attitude! Knows what she wants.

And the big BIRTHDAY girl!!!

Today she is full of new things. She can walk along all of the furniture and say 3-4 words with ease. She is still very much a mommys girl but is ok when others talk to her. She follows her big brother around everywhere and loves to take his toys. She is happy. Outgoing and curious. Very stubborn and determined. The word "NO" only furthers her need to do as she's requested not to. I love her more and more everyday and am so proud to be called mommy.

they make my life...

2009-09-13T19:02:00.001-07:00

absolutely amazing.

completly priceless.

significantly blessed.

profoundly beautiful.

the day the world stopped

2009-09-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

The things you worry about as a teenager have little to do with the world around you. Consumed in your own daily life, wardrobe malfunctions and what boy in driving you crazy this week, are the greatest of all your worries. Just talking to friends and figuring out your place in life are what you know as important. I was no different from that. I was just the same.

That is, until that early September morning. When my mom came into my room with a silent stare and a hurried"...get up now, come to the living room..". She was on the phone with my Grandma talking with a type of frustration in her voice I never hear. It was not a panicked conversation, so I was not worried in that aspect. But there was still something. So I rolled out of bed and followed her down the hallway.

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I began asking with irritation, "..what?.. what's wrong?..". She didn't say anything. She just pointed into the direction of our living room. And as I rolled my eyes and I walked into the direction of our television set, I saw that the news was on. I saw that there was a large building on fire. And without understanding just what all that meant, I shot my mother a confused look. As she covered the mouth piece of the phone with her hand, she snipped, "..just sit down, now!"

Annoyed, I sat there staring. Arms crossed and that look of a typical fourteen year old, planted across my face. The images quickly flashed back and forth between Firemen and Police running around and then to the average person just standing still, crying. Somewhat intrigued, I asked again "..what's going on? where is that?..". Mouthing the words New York City to me, my mom then quickly answered back to my Grandma on the phone "..yes. this means war..".

War? War with whom? What was she talking about? All I saw was a building that was caught on fire. I heard mention of a plane. But who is to say that was just as accident? Why was everyone freaking out? And it was then that the news cameras caught an image that will forever be engraved into my memory. A second plane. A second explosion. This was no accident. This was something wished upon us. My eyes became glued. My thoughts began to run. Just the day before we were learning about Pearl Harbor in History. Did this mean we were being thrown into another battle to avenge our country? Would there be a draft? What was going to happen. I had so many thoughts. I was not scared. But saddened for the nation I love. Angered instantly at all who had done this.

Throughout the day, I, along with the entire world, watched the first tower fall to the ground, followed by the second. I would see the pentagon in flames and a field in Pennsylvania left with a black hole. I would see tears and fear in the eyes of everyone. Not only on the television but here in my little California town as well. It was a heartbreaking day. And while I was thankful for the family and friends I had that were safe, I was mournful and praying for those that didn't.

That is a day I will always remember. That is the day I opened my eyes to see the world for what it really is. No more did I just see my problems. But the problems of the world.

Since that day, my family has been directly effected with this war. I know several men, besides my little brother, that have given up everything to go fight this battle. I can't understand why anymore today than I did eight years ago. Taking innocent lives to get your point across seems dumb. It makes you no bigger or better than us. It does not make you stronger. It does nothing for our world but cause more hate. A hate that will linger on. A hate that will do more bad than good.

ink party

2009-09-08T17:18:00.000-07:00

For the past five years, ever since my body was forever addicted to the ink. I have been contemplating on what my next piece of art should be. I have my sons baby feet on my shoulder, my little brothers initials on my wrist and a ..ahem.. tramp stamp on my lower back, with no other meaning besides that my mother was right and I was wrong.

".. don't get anything that does not mean something!!"
-- Thanks mom.

I know that I want to get one final piece. Something big enough that it, the addiction, will be out of my system. Yet, small enough that it can be hidden by clothing.

I know one, that my parents and maternal grandparents will be apart of it. Two, that I would like to cover up or just add to the ..ahem.. tramp stamp previously mentioned. And three, that the piece be large enough to connect the two pieces on my back in a way that flows with my small frame.

The idea I have starts with my Grandfather and Dad. One loving old airplanes and the other a sheriffs officer. An old plane cutting though clouds, an abused yet still shinning badge, mixed up with either portraits of my Daughter, Mother and Grandma [the three most important women in my life] or something softer to symbolize them each, such as a flower.

This is all still foggy and unclear but I will have it soon. All I know for sure is that I want it bright and colorful. I was thinking more traditional style.

Dont worry mom and gramma, you will like it.

blankies

2009-09-05T12:05:00.000-07:00

He is looking more and more like his daddy each day.

Such a good big brother.

Such a big heart.

Everyday he loves that blanket.

Everyday he tells me they are best friends.

He may only be three, but he is going on twenty.

Pre-school is what he loves.

Snakes are what he hates.

Mamas boy, daddys clone and sissys protector.

"Are you serious?" and "What did I tell you?" are his phrases.

Terrible twos were a cloud of bliss next to this kid.

But he is still my little lover bug. Sweet and gentle.

When he want to be.

My blue eyed baby

2009-09-05T11:55:00.000-07:00

I just can't believe how gorgeous she is sometimes.
She is going to one in fifteen days.
How and when did that happen?
She has three words. None of which are Mama.
Will not walk and loves to crawl.
Smiles only at a handful of people.
Loves her mommy, daddy and brother.
Screams to break glass.
Giggles to melt your heart.
And today?
She has already begun to practice talking on the phone!
See...

motivated

2009-09-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

Motivation, is defined as a driving force that initiates and directs behavior.

Basically, motivation is a kind of internal energy which drives a person to do something in order to achieve something. Sounds simple.

Day to day life can often times be consumed with worry and stress. Wondering how I will get through this day to make it into the next, is a battle that I know I am not alone in.

Yet, still feel as though I am.

So often times, I turn to the devotion I have for my children, my energy, to remind me of what I need to stay focused on. With them, I am able to keep my head held just high enough to see beyond the fog of the present and into the stars of the future.

Knowing that this to shall pass, it's a simple hug, kiss or smile from one of my two little ones that will always remind me what I am doing here.

aka "My motivation".

the kids

2009-09-01T10:05:00.000-07:00

Trying to get an up to date picture of them turned into a comedy routine and this is what we were left with. Drama had her usual opinion about everything, while tornado gave me this one great pose then lept up to leave the room. So enjoy it.

In other news, I have returned to school and have one hundred percent decided on what I am doing. I will be getting my undergraguate in Psychology and my Graduate in Medical Social Work. It will be work but worth it in the end.

ouch

2009-09-01T09:32:00.000-07:00

Today, as I wake up after the first day in my new Kickboxing class, I wonder to myself...

"Why in the H E double hockey sticks did you sign up for THAT class?"

If it were possible to name each and every muscle in my body right now, I would. And I would tell you that each and everyone of those muscles are in PAIN! I just don't understand how, while scrolling my eyes over the list of available fitness classes, I happened upon kickboxing. Especially with a list that included Yoga and Swim. My only excuse it that I must have just been having an "off brain day".

Either way, school has started and that class makes up the twelfth unit that I need to make me a full time student. So unfortunately for my aching muscles and I, we are stuck near death from eleven to noon each Monday and Wednesday. Oh Joy!

Sleep, where are you?

2009-08-21T10:08:00.001-07:00

You know, there was a time, not so long ago, when I could sleep a full eight or so hours without a single disturbance. I could go to bed, sleep and then wake up. It was amazing. Yet, today there is a certain, ahem, person who insists on waking me every single night.

Call me crazy, but I used to think it would be my little one who would keep me up at night. Whether it be rocking her back to sleep or making bottles all night, I just assumed she would be awake more. But not my little Drama, nope. She sleeps like a log. She fully enjoys her beauty rest and I fully support that.

Tornado on the other hand will come into my room, like clock work, at 2am every night. He will crawl into our bed, pull a pillow right out from underneath my head and fall back to sleep within thirty seconds. All will I sit there for the next thirty minutes trying to go back to sleep to all of the comforts of two little knees or elbows placed into my back.

I have tried to just put him back to sleep, and he does. But the second the light hits his face he wakes up and is ready to start the day. At least when he is in bed with us, he waits until after dawn to wake up. I know that I will miss this cuddle bug stage in his life one day. And funny enough, when actually given that stretch of slumber I crave, I will jump a foot out of bed to run and check on the two of them if it is any where past seven in the morning.

So while I want sleep. I love my sleep. I guess having him feel safe and loved is the best way to start out anyday. Sleep or not.

two weeks left

2009-08-13T17:43:00.000-07:00

There are only two weeks left in what is my life today. These days of solely staying home and living for others are coming to a close. For the first time in over four years I will be doing something for me. Though in the end it will benefit those around me, for now, it is something I am doing for me. I almost forget what that even feels or looks like. I find it hard to not find guilt in this next phase of life. What will I miss? What will I do? I don't know anything different other than being a Mother and Wife. It is what I love and enjoy. All the while in the back of my mind I know it is not all I need to accomplish in life. They say the hardest part is getting started. I can see where they found that. I am dreading leaving them as much as I am excited to go.

paired up

2009-08-13T17:15:00.001-07:00

Wathing the relationship between the two of them bloom is like watching the sun rise on what you know will be the perfect day. It's as though they were sent here to make sure I smile every single day no matter where my mind is at. With each new adventure explored and every unfamiliar task mastered, I feel as though I am doing something right in this life. Though some days can, and are, harded than others, watching them laugh and play together makes it all worth it. He is an amazing big brother. She is an adoring baby sister. And together they are the perfect little pair.

a smile, or two, for you

2009-08-06T10:24:00.001-07:00

Even though she is teething right now. Even though 85% of her day is spent screaming at someone in this house. Even though she refuses to let me get out of sight. Even though she has not slept without me rocking her in the last four days. Even though car rides are about the only way to soothe her. Even though she has a temper and scream that could break glass. And even though she has had just about the worst week ever...
She is still the beautiful little blue eyed Angel that can get her way with anyone, just with that smile. For a moment this morning Drama was in a jolly mood watching her brother throw all of his pillows into the air. It lasted all of about two minutes but I was still able to snap some grins and giggles. And I don't know about you but those happy thunder theighs always make momma laugh.

Lucille Ball

2009-08-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

Today is what would have been her 98th birthday.

And since it is no secret that I Love Lucy.

I thought I would give her a place on my Blog this morning.

.Happy Birthday Lucy.

First day of Pre-School.

2009-08-06T09:25:00.000-07:00

My babys first day of school was by far, harder on Momma than it was on Mr. Tornado. As you can see from our attempt at a "First day of School" picture, he was his usual joking and happy self. He was just as ready to go as I was to keep him. I even kept insinuating that maybe we should just "go back home" you know if "YOU are not comfortable" or maybe that "its ok to be sad" and I would happily stay if "YOU" wanted me to". But alas he assured me I could go home and leave him to play with all his new friends. So now it will be three hours a day I would have nothing but silence in my house [this is also Dramas nap time]. Three hours a day that I would have to myself, to do as I needed. Three hours a day that I could sit still and just think clearly. It's hard to even know what to do with myself when he is gone. Because they are, for whatever reason also three of the longest hours each day. The three hours a day that I will just stare at the clock to make sure I was there in time to pick him up. And the three hours a day that I would miss the noise and craziness of my little wild one. I guess I secretly enjoy the sound of his daily adventures. Who knew?

He is getting bigger faster than I can process. Each day he throws something new at me. And each day I stare at him and wonder how I got so lucky.

adorableness

2009-08-02T16:23:00.000-07:00

What is that you ask? well let me show you...

It is my little Drama and her two new buck teeth....

It is my precious Tornado and his love for trains and daddy...

It is baby Dramas interest in her brothers toys, even after he thinks it's hidden...

It is knowing that my Tornado needs a break, even if its at mommys feet in her office...

And it is watching the two of them cuddle up next to each other and read a book...

simple ramblings, love.

2009-08-02T15:52:00.000-07:00

I already have a picture of what I want to see my children grow up to be. Just as I am sure every mother does. However, at the top of that list reads the simplest of traits, companionate, loving and thoughtful. Because even if I were to wish them wealth. Even if I were to wish them success. None of that means anything without being companionate, loving and thoughtful to all of those around them.

I want them to do for others as they would want done to themselves. To want great things, yet understand that giving is always better than receiving. To know they cannot reach the top without the help from others. And if they did happen to manage the climb alone, alone at the top they shall be. While they should never take for granted the gift of someone's kindness, never should they let someone take them for granted either.

My kids are going to be loved, there is no question there. Regardless of who they choose to be or what they choose to do. They are perfect to me all who adore them. So whether they do reach the top or enjoy floating along midstream, please just let them always know they are loved. Now and always, over anything and before anyone, the main thing I want for them, is to know that simple fact.

They are loved. They are loved. They are loved.

beauty shop girl

2009-07-28T17:37:00.000-07:00

I had to share this. Can you see little miss dramas hair-do today? Well love it, because that took some serious work. She was not happy with me and I was forced to hand over my snack wrapper as an appology for putting her through such an ordeal. Ever since first learning of having this little girl, I have dreamed of being able to put little bows and such in her hair. However, I wasn't planning on having this such little girl, one who hates to have her hair even touched and will scream at the very sight of the brush. So to try to break her of this, because we all know that my kid is not going to go around looking like an orphan, I sat her down and shoved her hair into these two adorable, yet quite crooked pigtails.

ten fun facts

2009-07-28T16:19:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Momma: 1. I love it when my hair is curly but can never find the time to do it. 2. I am addicted to Iced Tea. 3. I collect all things Lucille Ball. 4. I have never tried sushi, don't plan to either. 5. I am not scared to die, I am scared of those I love dying. 6. If I had a million dollars, I would spend it all on other people. 7. I am terrified of clowns. 8. I still need my mother to tell me it will be OK. 9. I wear my camera like it's jewelry 10. I sing to every song on the radio when I drive.

Mr. Right: 1. If he is not doing something productive, he's bored. 2. He quit smoking for his kids. 3. He hates bees and spiders and would leave you to fend for yourself if one was big enough. 4. He is never happy with the car he has. 5. His kids make him laugh, even when he is mad. 6. He uses our kids to make me laugh, even when I am mad at him. 7. He only wears black shirts. 8. He could sleep though a meteor strike. 9. He is still a mommas boy. 10. He will stop in a rain storm to help a stranded driver.

Tornado: 1. Believes its funny to ask the same question twice, or more. 2. Carries around his blanket everywhere. 3. Does not like to get sticky. 4. Thinks that his Uncles are all punching bags. 5. Loves animals, hates bugs. 6. Is scared of the dark. 7. Talks in the third person. 8. Can hit a baseball and throw a football better than Mommy. 9. Cries for his Grandma and Papa when he is in trouble. 10. Crawls into Mommy and daddy's bed at least five times a week.

Drama: 1. Does not like to see mommy leave the room. 2. Finds everything her brother does amusing. 3. Is scared by the vacuum. 4. Thinks it is funny to play with the wall plugs and even more funny to watch mommy and daddy run at her when she does. 5. Would eat noodles each day and at every meal if we'd let her. 7. Does not like hats or bows. 8. Will eat anything off of the floor. 9. Laughs then cries, all in the same breath. 10. Car rides put her to sleep, no matter how short they are.

a wet tornado

2009-07-27T12:57:00.000-07:00

Well, Daddy finally blew up the pool I bought for the baby last week. And although Drama is asleep T got a chance to enjoy it all morning. And even as we speak he is still standing in our backyard tossing rocks into it. He hasn't even noticed that the water barley comes up past his ankles and is enjoying himself all the same.

happiness.

2009-07-27T12:41:00.001-07:00

Now you look over at this image and you may start to wonder why so sad? What could have happened to make everything seem so awful? How about the fact that a new and exciting toy was just ripped from your hands? Or how a room needing to be explored is blocked off by the "see through" wall that pinches fingers and your brothers unwillingness to open it for you! Then to top it all off your mom is grabbing the camera and taking pictures of you after you have just fully expressed your dislike of the entire situation. Gosh! Can't a girl get a break.

So polite.

2009-07-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

Yes. That is right. My little girl has the best manners already. As you will see, she just loves to share her food with mommy. I am so glad I am raising a little person with such a giving nature...

Haha :)

Lessons for life...

2009-07-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

Read through this very well. Because they are all very true. -- Thanks Grandma.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. 24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. 25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?". 26. Always choose life. 27. Forgive everyone and everything. 28. What other people think of you is none of your business. 29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time. 30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 32. Believe in miracles. 33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. 36. Your children get only one childhood. 37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. 40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 41. The best is yet to come. 42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 43. Yield. 44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

home sweet home... NOT!

2009-07-23T09:20:00.000-07:00

Let's put it this way. I am not a political person by any stretch of the imagination. I actually don't understand most of it and will still usually look to my mother for an explanation in pig-Latin. Don't get me wrong, I care about what's going on in the world, I just don't have the attention span to really "care". However, recent events in our state have caused me to pay attention a little more closely. Mainly because it hits home, all the way home. Over the last couple of months, the wonderful County Department and it's half retarded leaders have decided it is going to lay off basically everyone. Yes, that is including all [well, most] of the street Cops. Have you ever been to this city ? Do you know how big it is?!? Have you seen Oak Park? Well good, now take away the cops that patrol it and keep it safe. What do you see?

I still can't even believe they are actually going through with it. Not only is this the most dangerous thing for our entire county but now the risk for the few left behind, my dad and a few others, is HUGE!! I have been on patrol with my father. I have seen some of the filth and craziness he deals with daily. And now all it's going to take is someone feeling bold, because he knows my dads back up is no where in sight, to make a move. Then who gets blamed? Where was my dads help? Why was no one else there to do something? Oh that's right. You fired them all for no good reason.

You have ordinary people going out and buying guns for safety. Parents keeping there kids inside everyday. Criminals and thugs celebrating because all of the cops are gone. I mean what kind of community is this? Why would you ever think of cutting your police force down from 10 cars a shift to just 2? What makes you think this is going to save money? Everyone is going to just leave town. Crime is going to go through the roof. Not to mention risking every single person's life is insane. Uhhh!!

*OK. End vent here!*

Fun in the sun!

2009-07-20T11:32:00.000-07:00

Todays entry will have to be short and sweet. Little miss has had a fever for the second day in a row. I don't think we have another ear infection, she may just be teething. But as I type she is sleeping across my cheast, exhausted after an hour and a half of screaming.

However, all I wanted to share was our families new found place to spend these hot summer days. The local city center has the coolest water park for kids. We all had so much fun and have been back four times already. Tornado never wants to leave and Drama loves kicking her feet in the water. They have a bunch of different pools but the baby pool is only a little over a foot deep. Its huge as well. Last time we were there I saw at least 50 plus kids running around and we all still had a ton of room.

Ahhh... she awakes. So I must go, But enjoy the pictures. I know they make me want to jump back into my suit and lay in the sun!

A big boy, or so I am told!

2009-07-17T11:23:00.000-07:00

My son is full of energy. Full of questions and often time his own answers. At three years old I would consider him a baby in a lot of ways, while still independent in others. Potty training is our main issue right now. I believe that if he was a real "Big boy" this task would have been mastered already. While he on the other hand is convinced that he is a "Big boy" no matter what and that I just don't know what I'm talking about. We discussed this matter yesterday while having a disagreement about nap time. You can be the judge. However, I am sure you will see my side of things.

"mommy! I a big boy! i no needda map"
-- "yes you do baby, I can tell you are sleepy"
"buuuut mooooommm! only baby take a map, I to big!"
-- "oh really? what makes you think you are to big?"
"my daddy told me."
-- "did he? well what did he tell you?"
"He tell me that I a big boy cause I eat all my dinner"
-- "Im glad you ate all your dinner bug. That makes you strong... but I stll think its time for your nap"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I no need a map. I a BIG boy!!"
-- "Goodnight, bug."
"But mom. My eyes to big. I cant close dem! They tooooooo BIG!! Seee wook!"
-- "OK. Fine. Just lay here with your eyes open then."
"K mom. But I no need to take a map. K mom? My eyes are open BIG!"
-- "Ok baby. Thats fine. Just stay in bed.
"Ok mom. Ok. Bye mom"
-- "Bye"
"Wait mom?"
-- "yes love?"
"Momma you change my diaper? I have big boy poo poo!"

Miss, Drop the noodles!

2009-07-17T11:01:00.000-07:00

This morning, while Drama was taking her first nap of the day and while Tornado was tearing apart his toy room, I spent my time cleaning up my kitchen floors, walls, cabinets, table, the highchair, living room carpet and my new couches. All from evidence of an apparent noodle monster. Because how little shreds of pasta found their way around the entire bottom level of my house is still a mystery. I interrogated all parties that may be possibly involved and have narrowed my search to one chubby possibility and have taken these pictures in as evidence.

Blog Changes

2009-07-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

For those of you that have been reading my blog prior to this date you may soon realize that there have been some changes. One, the obvious of me changing the web address. I found that the more I got into blogging, having my full name in the title might not have been a good choice. So I have since changed it to "This is my reason to smile". Coming from the fact that I often write about my family and friends, which are 'my reason to smile'.

Second, if you noticed to the left I have new pictures of the kids and us. For both security and fun, rather than using our real names, I now have given us all silly, yet fitting names. Myself, will here on out be referred to as "Mrs. Momma", I hope that one does not need explaining. My husband as "Mr. Right". My son as "Mr. Tornado" or just Tornado for short. And my daughter "'Little' Miss Drama" or of course, just Drama. Under each picture they have their description and general reason for there new names.

Enjoy! And thanks for reading about our little families adventures.

moving on from here

2009-07-14T12:57:00.000-07:00

What makes any one place home? Is it where you grew up? Is it the people that you love? What is it? For different people it can mean many different things. For me this town I live in is home. I can't drive down a single street without a memory or experience floating back to my mind. The big tree that stands in front of our middle school, my first kiss. The apartment complex where my best friend lived, my first broken heart. The old soccer field that's now replaced by a shopping center, my first fight. This place is my home. No matter how much I hate it now or where I go from here, this town will in a lot of ways always bring me comfort.

But for now, in these moments, I am over this place and over the people that fill it. I want to experience a new place. See new faces. I want to live somewhere I have never been, some where I can start fresh. I love my friends here. I love all the familiarity. However, I know that if I am ever going to grow anymore as a person I need to leave what is most comforting to me. If I stay, if WE stay, I feel like the rut we have created will only grow deeper. I want my kids to experience more. I want to experience more. And since hearing that my husband feels the same way, I trust that he will make the best decision he can for our family. Increasingly curious about how far he is willing to take us, all I can do is embrace the idea and support it completely. Could it be another state? Another city? Whereever it is I find excitement in the idea.

"..To see the world through only your dreams, is not living.."
I know that where ever it is we decide to move, a piece of me will always feel the need to "go home". But if home is where the heart is, then I guess we will be fine no matter where our life continues on to.

Time.

2009-07-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

As a mother, I often find myself wondering where the time has gone. Yet, at the very same time I am wondering what the future holds. Its an odd combination of thoughts always swirling around in my head. Its as though I'm sad to see their lives go by so quickly all the while I am still curious about their tomorrow. Constantly, I think how these kids are driving me crazy. How I cant wait for them to get older so that maybe for just once I might have a single moment to my self. The noise in this house is sometimes so overwhelming. If Tornado is not flying his cars into the wall or asking me to get him a snack and drink, then Drama is screaming at the top of her lungs to get my attention or crawling into an area of the living room where she is bound to get one of her bothers flying cars to the head. It's a never ending job, never. There are even days I wish I could find the fast forward button, just so that I might have a single second to think.

Yet, its usually right then, right at the point where it seems I've had enough, that a sweet and simple moment comes through the chaos. Like when Tornado stops flying his cars into the air and quickly runs over to me just to say "..gimme kiss mom..", before returning to his cars. Or when Miss Drama stops crawling around screaming just long enough for her to catch my eye, wave and smile. And its then, in those moments that though the two of them are often draining, though they have my nerves and patience often on the verge of collapse, that I have to remind myself I will never get these days back. That one day I will be sitting alone in my living room wishing Tornado would toss a toy car in the air just once more or that I might be able to hear Miss drama scream at me for just a second again. So while someday's I want to crack, I will always know that with the hard days come the best days. And everyday, no matter what's going on, they are worth it.

Crawling, ear aches and birthdays.

2009-07-12T10:31:00.000-07:00

Its been a very eventful last couple of weeks, so forgive me now for not updating as much as I should. We will start with the fact that miss drama is now an official crawler. She suprised us all July 1st when she was just sitting by her usual pile of toys and decided to make a break for the kitchen. And now after just over a week of practice she is everywhere. I am so happy that she is now mobile, she is getting to experience and explore her surroundings which in turn is making her even more happy with her world. Tornado also seems to enjoy her new found skill. He calls her like a puppy and has created their own little game of chase. Its a such a great feeling wrapped up in a little bit of an "uh-oh" feeling to know she is doing so great develpomentally. I guess all the baby gates and constant vacuuming days have offically begun.

While that was exciting for all of us around here, her first week of crawling was rudely interrupted by another first for miss drama. Her first ear infection. Now talk about feeling helpless. Watching your baby suffer through a 103.6 temp and become incressingly lathargic, is one of the saddest things her daddy and I have ever experienced. Tornado never once had an ear ache. Infact hes never even really been sick. So to see my little nine month old in so much pain and uncomfortable was incredibly sad. I am now happy to report that after a week of Motrin and anti-biotics, she is 100% back to her old self. And as you can see by the picture group above, shes once again all smiles.

Not as thrilling perhaps, but still another milestone for someone in our family, momma turned the big twenty three. My big day was spent shopping with my Grandma and then out to dinner and a movie with Mr. Right. It was a great day and another stepping stone in life. They are are going by faster and faster. And along the way I have become more aware that I need to love each day as it comes, becuase all to soon they may be gone. Which may be why as I get older and older my birthdays are becoming more about me wanting to spend my time with family than about wanting t0 party it up with friends. And while we did have a little party that next day, it was just our closest friends. It was really lowkey and simple. Just the way I like it.

Fourth of July also came and went. We spent the evening at my parents with all of my family. And as much as I thought that Drama would we scared to death of the loud noises it turns out that Tornado was the one who thought they were scary. Drama just sat in my Grandmas lap while laughing and clapping her hands. And my poor son spent the entire time running from lap to lap covering his ears. Although towards the end of the night he became happier with the sparklers and was able to join his cousins. But he still hated all of the really loud ones and avoided the fireworks area almost completly. All in all it was a great day and evening.

That sunday following the fourth of July we also had a great day at Folsom Lake with Mr. Rights family. His dad took the boat out and we all took turns riding the tube and splashing around on the beach. Miss Drama lounged in the sun and ate her crackers and Tornado rode the boat with his daddy and splashed around in the waves with Grandma. The water was so warm and we were able to find a little section of beach where an old boat launch made of cement went deep into the water. I loved that because we were able to play in the water without getting sand, green sludge and God knows what else in our suits and between our toes. It was a great way to spend any day.

Offical SCC Student

2009-06-29T17:17:00.000-07:00

After four hours of testing and talking to counselors, I am now finally enrolled for the 2009 fall semester. Yeah! I am an official student! Five years ago you would have never heard those words come out of this mouth. Yet, today I feel like its time to step it up and move forward with my life. You cant get anywhere sitting at home and waiting around. So now my future Mondays and Wednesdays will include Psychology, Sociology, Algebra and Art. They will be from about 7 o'clock am until just before 4 o'clock pm. They will be two very long days but I hope that these 14 units will go by quick and move me on to that next step of becoming a (fill in the "..i don't know yet.." blank here)! I slacked off a little bit with getting started in this process, so now I will need to wait until next semester to take the English and nutrition classes I really need. For now though, these are good enough.

Gotta run...

2009-06-26T18:31:00.000-07:00

Today was very productive on the part of my future educational goals. This morning I received an email saying that I would be eligible for financial aid or a grant to get me through this coming school year. I am very excited and hope to keep this focus. Now I just need to go about figuring out what it is I want to study. My best friends and I talked a little bit about it over dinner yesterday. But I am still on the fence. Medical for sure, helping people definitely and bettering myself and family 100 percent YES!

But of course as of this exact moment I cant sit and think to much about it. Dinner and piles of unfolded laundry are awaiting my presence.

But before I go I just had to leave you with this:

Isn't he adorable? My little future star! I might be a little one sided here. But he has got to be the cutest thing I have ever seen!

Happy Fathers Day!

2009-06-21T11:45:00.000-07:00

There is not much that means more to me than my family. My children are the very center of my world. Bringing out the best there is inside of me. But it's their daddy who really makes me who I am. Our never ending love and devotion to each other and our children is what keeps us glued together. And while there are times it gets hard with all that he has his plate, there is not a single ounce of him that regrets where he is at today. Im proud to be apart of his life as his wife and best friend. He is special to us everyday but today is a day to make sure he knows it.

"...and along the way if it starts to storm, you've got the promise of my love to keep you warm..",
never once was that just lyric to our wedding song.

*i made him this DVD for Fathers day. Click the link if you'd like to watch it too*
http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=8df4c7e76d46a6bf093845&skin_id=701&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

Nine Months Old!

2009-06-20T16:47:00.000-07:00

My baby girl. My Princess. My "chubby". My mommas girl. My mini-me. My quiet, soft and beautiful little blue eyed angel is nine months old today. It is almost hard to think how fast her life has gone by. And while I know its only the begining I still feel as though I have missed it or wasn't paying enough attention. Since joining our family she has filled that space non of us knew was missing.

For Tornado, he now has his best friend. Someone to join in on all his distruction and energy. Its adorable to see them play and laugh all day long together. As her little protector, he is always the first to her side the second she starts to fuss or cry. Since day one, shes been the first person he wants to see in the morning and the last one he wants to kiss goodnight. And even though he himself is so much of a baby, I know she means the world to him.

For Daddy, he now has his sweet little girl. She can put a smile on that grown mans face like nothing else I've ever seen. She melts him into a big mush ball with just one drooling grin. And trust me, he has already fully maped out his plan of attack against boys showing up on his door in the future.

And as for me, she has shown me how much love a mothers heart truly has. Before she came I was scared to death of what raising a little girl would mean. I've never been one for dresses and bows. What was I gonna do with a girl? Well, lucky for me, she hates dresses and bows too! We can be beautiful tomboys together.

In so many ways it seems like she has always been here. And I know for both her daddy and I she has changed us in ways only a daughter can. And while it may all go by fast but I know that we will both be there for her every step of the way. Guiding her on a path she can be proud of. We love you baby girl and happy 9 months :)

Weight loss and jeeps.

2009-06-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

Todays weight:: 142!!

Now me loosing four pounds in the last month may not seem like much to some people. I even had some disappointment of my own when reading those numbers off that devil scale. I mean I cut out almost all my favorite junk foods, half-assed my way through 2-3 work outs a week and when I was really feeling good I counted all of the calories for the day. And still after all of that, all I could loose was four lame pounds!! Whats up with that? But then I got to thinking, have you ever picked up a large phonebook in one hand? Well thats about four pounds. So I guess when you look at it that way, I more or less just shaved a phonebook off my ass. And thats just the compairison I needed to make me feel so much better. GO ME! Now next months goal? Put 2 more phonebooks through the shreader :)

Tornado has been getting his powerwheels driving down good these days. In some ways its sad to see that he doesnt press the gas and hang his head over the edge in attempt to just watch the wheels turn. He can actually keep the car going straight. And while most objects on his left still fall victim to his driving skills, I can see an improvment in him. Yesterday he even wanted to take his sister for a ride around the back yard. But even he knew his driving was questionable and insisted we put her seatbelt on before he moved. They must have went around 3-4 times before Payton finally got a branch to the face and daddy plucked her up out of the car. Lucky for all of us she is so mellow and goes with the flow of everything. I dont know many babies that would be so happy with loud moving objects, but shes just fine with any situation. I took this picture just before the tree branch and daddys rescue. But dont they look adorable together. I love that they are starting to get to the age where they can play with one another. Seeing them giggle and laught with each other is the sweetest image. Soon, Im sure, to be replaced with the image of screaming and tatle-tales. But for now, them riding along in his little car will remain priceless.